I have taken a major step, my first of many, into getting old. I now have a pair of reading glasses, in addition to my maximum strength contact lenses (they do not make them any stronger without a special order). And LASIK is out of the question, as I am not a candidate (because I'm such a blind old man).
In fact, without my reading glasses, it's a touch difficult to read this sentence that I am writing. I hope there's no errors7.
So, to a Specialist I go! As I must now think of my future. Which is difficult because both of my grandfathers are pretty much sightless. Which I thought might happen to me too, except 50 years from now. Hopefully, I can handle this transition with the quiet dignity and grace of Gene Wilder, and not the "quiet dignity and grace" of Gene Wilder in "Young Frankenstein."
As I kick my emotional can down the dirt road of my existence, I must now reorganize everything in my life to revolve around my reading glasses.
1) I must constantly badger everyone in my life on putting money aside in a Roth-IRA (it's just good horse sense!)
2) My wardrobe must now consist of 90% cardigans.
3) Must move to New York's SoHo district, and be tagged as "Unidentified Older Gay Gentleman" in photos next to celebrities who I write sassy copy for their Twitter feeds.
4) Smoke purple cigarettes and write society-drenched crime novels, furthering my transformation into Truman Capote. (Not totally opposed to this one)
5) Begin comfort level in relationships as being referred to as "Daddy" or "Papi." But if I'm Papi, how gay is that guy?
Every time I mention my eyesight trubbs, there's always somebody who turns around or pops out of the bushes who is all too happy to tell me that "it only gets worse!" Please, if you read this, and you hear me bitch about my eyes, DON'T BE THAT PERSON.
But all might not be bleak. According to the package on some of these CVS-Brand reading glasses, there is a light-device on the frames that would appear to grant me no less than psionic powers.
So, I got that going for me. Which is nice.*
*"Caddyshack" references only increase with age. Next stop, ear hair.