My road to recovery from Co-dependency has not been an easy road. I’ve been forced to take a hard look at myself in the mirror and I have chosen to work on aspects of myself that were causing me hardship and pain. Over the past four years I feel I have made tremendous progress. But never for one moment think that you have arrived, for just when you think you are doing great, something will crawl out of the woodwork and bite you on your arse! My past speciality dish was always drug-addicts and alcoholics. If there was one within a 20 kilometre radius of me they would find me. Like a heat-seeking missile they would go straight for the jugular with their twisted charms, and I – the ever-ready Co-dependent just looking for someone to take care of – would step up to the challenge with not so much as a battered eyelid. I would fall under their spell and the contract would be sealed. So my recovery has been hard, because as a mother one tends to want to take care of others. When a family member found himself on hard times about a year ago, I stupidly jumped to the rescue and bailed him out. What the hell was I thinking? I felt so guilty and responsible for this adult that I went against every grain in my being and allowed him to live with me for 5 months while he got himself together. If only I had taken my own advice: “The only adult you are responsible for is yourself!” Living with this family member was hell. Was he a drug-addict/alcoholic? I’d bet my bottom dollar on it, although everyone else in the family would deny it (sound familiar?) So there I was, resenting all the care-taking I was doing, and trying to get rid of this person from my home. Unfortunately we were a bit mixed up in a family business at the time – another extremely bad judgement call on my behalf. Damn, I could really just kick myself sometimes! Anyhow, the little squid eventually moved out of my home. Satisfied that he was back on his feet and able to take care of himself I tried not to rock the boat but tried, instead, to “keep the family peace”. Ha! Who was I kidding? When the little squid had gotten everything out of me that he could and realized I was not parting with another cent or any more support for that matter, the threats, hate-mail and intimidation started. Eventually he became so aggressive I was forced to get an attorney involved. But that just proved yet another total waste of money because Squid just simply disregarded everything the attorney suggested in an attempt to settle things amicably. Eventually he got what he wanted, not because I folded, but because I just ran out of energy fighting the squid. Sometimes it really is best just to walk away from a fight, even if the other party “wins”. I really do have much better things to focus my energies on. To say that I felt violated, abused and angry would be a gross understatement, but let’s face it: I really did bring it all upon myself! Had I just left the little squid to choke on his own vomit in the gutter which he had fallen into all by himself (do you sense that angry tone too?) then he would have been forced to make his own plan and would probably have developed a lot more self-respect in the process of saving himself. But no! This recovering Co-dependent had to backslide and dive to the bloody rescue! (Note to self: next time let the squid choke on his own vomit!) I know the boy has a drinking problem, but I couldn’t help but think the problem was bigger than that. So I picked myself up, dusted myself off and returned to the mirror where I asked myself: “Self, what the hell were you thinking diving to the bloody rescue? Have you learned nothing in the past four years of your recovery???” So I fell off the wagon. Alcoholics do it all the time! I got back to the mirror and began working on myself again, determined to beat this and stop rescuing people. When we backslide and start taking care of other people, ignoring our own needs, it helps to remind ourselves what we really want from life for ourselves. Just to make sure I didn’t forget about what I really wanted for my own life, I made a huge poster outlining my personal goals and stuck it up next to my mirror where I couldn’t miss it. It helped. Two months later I was rearing to go, made some life changes and adjustments and actively began pursuing my personal goals. For the first time in my life I felt liberated. I was doing something for MYSELF, not for anyone else. I was not supporting, promoting, fixing, taking care of or nurturing anyone else in my career but myself. Damn it felt good. And scary! Then all the self-doubt began to creep in. Could I really do it? Did I really have what it took? Was I really talented enough, clever enough and wise enough? Days before my bold move into my full-time new career fear engulfed me and almost completely immobilized me! I could hardly breathe let alone think! I began having panic attacks and insomnia. But I was determined to stick to my guns no matter what and I made huge sacrifices to move into that arena. But something else was bugging me in the periphery of my life and I couldn’t put my finger on it. There was something I wasn’t seeing, acknowledging or taking responsibility for and it kept bugging me. Slowly but surely it became self-evident and it horrified me! How could I have missed that? How could I have been so blind to that thorn in my own flesh? It had to take a huge drama for me to take a closer look and really see what else was going on in my life. But I learned something very valuable about the experience and I saw something else about myself that I never saw before. I never realized it at the time, but there was a very significant person in my life showing me another aspect of Co-dependency I never actually knew existed! To be continued....
www.amoursetter.com
www.amoursetter.blogspot.com

Who are we really? Are we authentic individuals at all times or do we hide behind a public persona? Do the people we work with really know who we are, or do many of us work hard at hiding who we really are from those around us?
I recently read with amusement what a cyberstalker posted on her Facebook wall about me. Initially some rather ridiculous comments were posted on my book’s Facebook page, hence the fact that I was able to click through to her FB page. I was referred to as a “con-artist” and “liar” and the comments further suggested that everyone should take the time to google me. The stalkers in question were none other than my ex of thirteen years ago and his current girlfriend. The lovely comments on Facebook continued to be posted everywhere by these two most unsavoury characters, who seemed to have nothing better to do with their lives than stalk me. The start of the stalking coincided with a court case I brought against my ex for non-payment of child support for eleven years. Be that as it may, I thought I’d raise the question publicly: Who is the REAL Amour Setter?
My ex and his side-kick love to refer people to a defamatory internet article written about me in 2007 following the implosion of a business deal I entered into with an Arab in the Middle East. What ensued is no big secret. The Arab had me detained for 7 days on trumped-up charges which included “running away” from my sponsor. Suffice to say that a Western Feminist was not well-received in those parts. To add insult to injury, the rotund Arab and his concubine then instigated what he thought was a most damaging internet smear campaign against me. His friends hopped onto the comments section of the article and fabricated some rather far-fetched hog-wash in an attempt to discredit me. I was accused of being a con-artist, a thief and a screw-over. At the time I was devastated to read what these rogues had written about me, but every cloud has a silver lining. Someone once told me that any publicity (no matter how negative) is good publicity, and he wasn’t wrong! After the initial shock of the smear campaign wore off, I recovered my composure, bounced back, and success followed me everywhere . I published my first book, The BITCH’S Guide to Dating, which developed a huge global following. My blogs began appearing everywhere and my rankings began to score high. My business won nine awards, including a prestigious international award and my internet presence expanded daily. It turned out the so-called damaging article actually counted in my favour and brought me a great deal of global attention! I love irony, don’t you?
My enemies will accuse me of everything under the sun, but the people who really know me will know of my journey to hell and back, where I literally worked on myself day and night in an attempt to reach a place of inner peace and serenity. It is also no secretive what a diabolic Co-dependent I used to be. I blog about my recovery all the time. With the help of a support group (Al-Anon) and working the 12-step program I finally came to a place of self-acceptance and self-love. In the past I would be attracted to screwed-up substance abusers and alcoholics, where as today I can spot them a mile away and when I do, I run like hell in the opposite direction!
Today I travel the world as a film director and I’m finally living my dreams. It has taken great courage to get to where I am. I have worked hard on expanding myself as an individual. I spent years making huge sacrifices and I've paid the price to have my freedom. I am not stuck in a dead-end job. I am not stuck in a dysfunctional relationship. I do not suffer from substance abuse problems and I have never been convicted of a felon of any kind. I am a firm believer in Prosperity Consciousness. Above all I believe that we each create our own realities. I do not feel the need to constantly defend myself against attacks from vindictive and resentful people. One simply has to take a look at the life circumstances of such people to know that their negative spewing simply serves to keep them locked in their chains of victimhood.
Am I perfect? Of course not! I snap when I’m irritable, I yell when I’m angry, and I do all the things regular people do in life that makes them human. You deserve what you have in life because you create your own reality by your thoughts, words and deeds. For every person out there who loathes me, I have probably ten people who don’t, so it all balances out in the end. The REAL Amour Setter is simply following her dreams, living her bliss and helping other women to find their inner voices. Anyone can be great. All it takes is courage, focus and the willingness to overcome your circumstances and be everything you were meant to be. I always tell people that confidence is everything in life. When you believe in yourself you can do anything, achieve anything. What I’ve learned in the last few years is that it’s also vitally important not to give a rat’s arse what others think of you. You’d be crazy to expect everyone out there to like you. If you are achieving great things and being a success you are going to have enemies. That’s life. The important thing is to keep focusing on your own life, keep working at expanding yourself and keep believing you can make it, no matter what! Keep moving towards your dreams because the Universe applauds action.
Amour Setter
www.amoursetter.blogspot.com
www.amoursetter.com

My last blog addresses a personal issue I am currently experiencing with stalkers. An ex from 13 years ago and his girlfriend, to be precise. For 11 years the lout completely disappeared off the face of the earth to avoid paying child-support, but then we found him and all hell broke loose. His arse was hauled to court and the stalking and obsessive behaviour started and has not abated since. What’s more concerning is the fact that his current girlfriend has joined in the stalking. Whoa! Creepy!!!
According to Wikipedia, “Psychologists often group individuals who stalk into two categories: psychotic and non-psychotic. Stalkers may have pre-existing psychotic disorders such as delusional disorder, schizoaffective disorder, or schizophrenia. Most stalkers are non-psychotic and may exhibit disorders or neuroses such as major depression, adjustment disorder, or substance dependence, as well as a variety of Axis II personality disorders (such as antisocial, avoidant, borderline, dependent, narcissistic, or paranoid). Some of the symptoms of "obsessing" over a person is part of obsessive compulsive personality disorder. The non-psychotic stalkers' pursuit of victims can be influenced by various psychological factors, including anger, hostility, projection of blame, obsession, dependency, minimization, denial, and jealousy. Conversely, as is more commonly the case, the stalker has no antipathic feelings towards the victim, but simply a longing that cannot be fulfilled due to deficiencies either in their personality or their society's norms.” (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stalking)
Moreover, in "A Study of Stalkers" Mullen et al.. (2000) identified five types of stalkers:
• Rejected stalkers pursue their victims in order to reverse, correct, or avenge a rejection (e.g. divorce, separation, termination).
• Resentful stalkers pursue a vendetta because of a sense of grievance against the victims – motivated mainly by the desire to frighten and distress the victim.
• Intimacy seekers seek to establish an intimate, loving relationship with their victim. To many of them the victim is a long-sought-after soul mate, and they were 'meant' to be together.
• Incompetent suitors, despite poor social or courting skills, have a fixation, or in some cases, a sense of entitlement to an intimate relationship with those who have attracted their amorous interest. Their victims are most often already in a dating relationship with someone else.
• Predatory stalkers spy on the victim in order to prepare and plan an attack – often sexual – on the victim.
Even if you made bad relationship choices in the past (as I clearly did), that does not give your ex license to stalk you. Cyberstalking is often difficult to prove. Only when the stalkers actually leave comments on your pages or profiles or make public comments on the internet about you do you have any proof of the stalking. In my case I knew my ex and his girlfriend were stalking me as they simply knew far too much about my personal life. When the girlfriend started leaving abusive comments on one of my Facebook pages (and posted a copy of a letter I sent my ex a year ago about our son), that was all the proof I really needed. Telling a stalker to stop stalking you is like telling a fish to stop being a fish. All you can do is try to protect yourself and hope the person or persons dig a deep enough grave to fall into and expose and embarrass themselves in the process. And of course you can always get a court interdict against them, but if the stalkers are anything like mine, well, they have absolutely no regards for the law anyway. On the one hand I suppose one could feel flattered that people find you so fascinating, but on the other hand knowing that a severely damaged individual focuses so intently on your life does leave one feeling very “creeped” out. If anything I guess this is good fodder for a script for a Horror flik 
Amour Setter
www.amoursetter.com