Amour Setter

Amour Setter is a filmmaker/writer and the published author of The BITCH’s Guide to Dating. A passionate Activist, Amour has produced several short films and television spots bringing focus to social issues affecting women and children such as Human Trafficking, Alcoholism, Domestic Violence, etc. Her weekly blogs appear on several internet sites across the globe and address issues which educate women on improving their self-esteem and empowering themselves. Amour held a monthly column at the Your Baby magazine in South Africa from 1995 – 1996 addressing single parenthood.

OPPOSITES ATTRACT THEN TRY TO KILL EACH OTHER

Opposites attract, then they try to kill one another later in the relationship because the things they were attracted to in the beginning become bones of contention. We’ve all been there before. You may be an introvert person and were attracted to an outgoing person once upon a time. Do you recall the fights you had about your “different” priorities?
According to Harriet Goldhor Lerner, author of The Dance of Anger (Harper and Row Publishers, 1985) opposites may attract, but they don’t always live happily ever after. While it may be reassuring to live with someone who will express parts of one’s own self that one is afraid to acknowledge, the arrangement does have its inevitable costs. A woman who expresses feelings for herself and her husband will end up behaving “hysterically” and “irrationally”. The man who relies on his partner to do the “feeling work” for him will increasingly lose touch with this important aspect of himself. Therefore, when the time comes for him to draw upon his emotional resources, he may find he has none. While we know and understand that society discourages men from getting too emotionally connected or expressive, the lack thereof creates enormous problems for the man and his partner in relationships. The problem comes in when we, as women, manage our partners half of the relationship thereby protecting them from their own feelings. Women are universally good at managing their partner’s half of the relationship. It’s because we are nurturing and can express ourselves easily that we fall into this trap. When you establish this pattern early in the relationship, it becomes almost impossible to change. I learned a brilliant saying from Anthony Robbins: “Kill the Monster while it’s little.” For those already in established relationships, it may be difficult to back-pedal and change things, but it is important to note that you cannot and should not continue doing the feeling work for your partner. When you react strongly to an injustice done to your partner, you are robbing him of having his own strong feelings about the situation. You actually protect him from recognizing his own anger. When you dive in to strongly criticize the party who offended him he is left with the simpler job of coming to that person’s defense. It can drive you around the bend! Very often women expect their partners to defend them when they can and should defend themselves. The perfect example of this is in-laws. When your parents-in-law offend you, descend upon your home without adequate warning, or overstay their welcome (or give advice not asked for), why ask your partner to come to your defense? You are quite capable of approaching your in-laws and calmly explaining how you feel. By the same token, if your parents offend your partner, it is not your job to tell them off. That’s his job! Don’t fight his battles for him, you will only create a spineless jellyfish in the process and that will drive a wedge between you because no woman wants a spineless man. When we stop over-functioning for others and start acting for ourselves, our under-functioning partners are more likely to acknowledge and deal with their own anxieties.
Amour Setter
Author: The BITCH’S Guide to Dating
www.amoursetter.com

DEVELOP SOME CORE VALUES

Coming from a dysfunctional family of alcoholism meant I didn’t grow up with a whole lot of positive values. I was taught the basics: say please and thank you, respect your elders, don’t lie (except when it came to hiding my family dysfunction), be polite, etc. But when those “values” taught are not followed through with example living or positive reinforcement, they actually don’t really mean much in the real world. Living as a confused and messed-up Co-dependent for forty years of my life didn’t help matters because I was running around taking care of everyone else’s needs except my own. So when I eventually sat down one day and asked myself “What are my core values in life?” I found I had to basically formulate them from scratch because I really didn’t know what they were. I knew what I wanted to be and where I had come from, and I realized that I needed to develop some core values in order to live a life of integrity. Having a child also helped me because I asked myself “What values do I want to teach and reinforce to my child that I was never taught?”
Anthony Robbins refers to the Ten Emotions of Power in his book “Awaken the Giant Within” and I found these values very helpful in setting up some standards in my own life.
1. Love and Warmth
Being warm, loving and approachable is key to creating serenity and peace in your life. If you’re angry and irritable all the time (as I was for years) people don’t enjoy your company and therefore don’t want to be around you.
2. Appreciation and Gratitude
When I started counting my blessings on a daily basis and learned how to feel grateful and appreciative for all the wonderful things and people in my life, I started to notice a dramatic change taking place. Remember that what you focus on expands. It’s the Law of Attraction. When you learn how to focus on and feel grateful for all the things that do work in your life, you start to notice more and more positivity filtering in. It’s really amazing.
3. Curiosity
Instead of allowing yourself to collapse under the weight of negative emotions, be curious and ask yourself: “I wonder what this means? I wonder what my soul is trying to tell me about this situation?” All negative emotions are feedback, giving you the opportunity to figure out a way to overcome them and find personal power within the situation. So be curious about everything and turn learning about life into a joyful journey of self discovery.
4. Excitement and Passion
Robbins says “Passion is unbridled power to move our lives forward at a faster tempo than ever before”. I’m a great believer in living your passion. What is the point of wasting your time doing something because you “have” to? What is your true passion in life? What are the things that really excite you and get you all juiced up? Those are the things you should focus on. I am passionate about helping women empower themselves because I want to share my transformation with others to show them that change is possible. I moved from being a messed-up Co-dependent to living a passionate life of balance and abundance in a short period of about 3 years. Therefore I feel passionate about change and empowerment. You’ve got to find out what your passion is and allow that to drive you forward. Success will only come your way when you are living your passion.
5. Determination
With determination you can accomplish anything and courage is the foundation from which determination is born. Determination is an emotional muscle and must be used regularly if you wish to see positive change in your life. If you make a commitment to reach a goal no matter what, and you stick to that, taking whatever action is necessary, you are practicing determination.
6. Flexibility
Flexibility is crucial if you want to be successful in life. Unless you are able to sway in the wind like a reed - going with the flow, so to speak – you will simply snap in half when a big “Hurricane of Life” hits (as it does from time to time). Being flexible means being able to evaluate your approach and ask yourself if there could be a better, more effective way of doing things.
7. Confidence
According to Robbins, the only way to consistently experience confidence is through the power of faith. This was one of my biggest lessons in life. After a massive “Hurricane of Life” hit me on my fortieth birthday, my whole world came tumbling down. I lost everything: my home, my business, my personal possessions, my reputation in business and my confidence. I was literally left homeless, penniless, unemployed and suicidal. It took a long time to restore my confidence in life, but what helped a great deal was developing faith that no matter what happened, I would be ok; I would always find a way to cope and survive. And when I realized this, and began to gather some evidence of the power of my new faith, my confidence was restored. I always tell women: “Confidence always overshadows everything!” People are naturally attracted to confident people. A man can meet the most gorgeous woman, but if she is insecure and constantly runs herself down, she loses her appeal. Likewise, a man can meet a “Plain Jane” with oodles of confidence and she becomes more and more attractive to him.
8. Cheerfulness
I used to be the most miserable cow on the planet. Honestly. I moaned about any and everything I could. I found fault with people and things all the time. I picked at my boyfriends until they were wrecks. While I was very good at my job, I was totally insufferable as a person.
When I began my transformation I added cheerfulness to the mix and wow! What a difference it made to my life. Realize that an eternally depressed person doesn’t feel cheerful. About anything. But when I made a conscious effort to stop feeling depressed and start feeling happy about my life, things shifted. Today I force myself to be cheerful. I whistle and laugh (which are things I rarely did before in my depressed state) and it makes a huge difference. Choose to add cheerfulness to your values and notice how much better life feels.
9. Vitality
Feeling on top of the world will never be possible if your health is in a bad state! Make a commitment today to improve your health and get yourself onto the best supplements on the market because you deserve it! I’m a former Adolescent Bulimic so my health has never been great. Part of my transformation meant sorting out my health, learning to eat properly and engaging in regular exercise. Thanks to my healthier lifestyle, I have never had more vitality. Today I can out-run my grown children and I’ve got more energy than all of them put together! You deserve to make your health your number one priority.
10. Contribution
There is nothing more powerful in life than giving to others in healthy and constructive ways. When you help others without compromising your own life and without trying to be a martyr, you feel immense pleasure and personal fulfillment. Its good “karma” and brilliant for your Prosperity Consciousness. I’m always tickled when I come across poor people who don’t give of themselves because they don’t realize that in order to move out of poverty they have to contribute. We’re a big global family. It’s only when we come together in a spirit of giving and helping do we begin to shift our own personal situations. Ask yourself: “What and how can I contribute to my community today that will make a difference?”

Amour Setter
Author: “The BITCH’S Guide to Dating
www.amoursetter.com

FORGIVING ISN'T FORGETTING

I was taught that forgiveness is something that you have to earn. This limiting belief created a lot of problems for me, as I tended to hang onto bitterness and resentment because I was always expecting the person who had offended me to come forward and make amends. These days I’m a lot wiser, and I’ve taken to making amends to people I’ve hurt or offended a lot easier than in the old days. I’ve realized that forgiveness is something we do for ourselves, not for the people who have hurt us. However, I think it’s important to note that while forgiveness is something you need to do for yourself in order to move forward, restoring the relationship is not always the best thing to do. Forgiveness and Reconciliation are not twins. When the offender in your life has shown no remorse and has made no significant change, you would be ill-advised to allow the relationship to continue. I am not referring to loved ones who inadvertently offend you with their words or actions, but people who have deeply hurt you and are well aware of the consequences of their actions. I recently ended a relationship with a family member who repeatedly chose to address me disrespectfully, despite my pointing out that I would not tolerate such behavior. The cherry on the cake came when the person in question expected me to loan her money to pay her rent because her boss hadn’t paid her yet. We won’t mention that I had still not been paid back for a few previous loans. When I refused to loan her the money she hurled abuses at me and called me every derogatory name under the sun. A few years ago I might have loaned her the money out of a sense of obligation to keep the peace, but thankfully I’ve evolved since then and people can no longer hold me hostage with their guilt-trips. Until this person actually apologizes for her continual offensive behavior and commits to changing the way she treats me, I am simply refusing to be in contact with her. I do not feel guilty for taking such a hard stance because I now understand the difference between forgiveness and reconciliation.
While forgiveness is a process that takes place in the heart of the one doing the forgiving, reconciliation is a process that takes place between two people. Forgiveness is an internal decision to release the anger, resentment and bitterness that holds you back from having serenity in your life, while reconciliation is a decision to actually restore a relationship back to unity. Therefore reconciliation is only ever to be applied to those who actually apologize and show remorse for their actions. If the person who has caused you pain has not apologized and committed to making changes, reconnecting to that person may cause further pain for you and compromise your serenity. In the past I would always be the first to approach offenders and try to “make things right”. I thought I was being the better person. Nowadays I am much tougher on offenders and more self-nurturing. I have developed so much self-respect that people who deeply hurt or offend me, and are aware of this, have got to come forward and apologize or risk losing out on a relationship with me. Gone are the days when I would try to keep the peace at any cost. I no longer manage the other person’s half of the relationship. That is their job. I no longer do for others what they can and should do for themselves, which includes making amends. And neither should you. Your first obligation is to yourself and your own peace of mind. You are worthy and special which means people should treat you with honor and respect. Those who cannot do not deserve to be in your wonderful company!

Amour Setter
Author: The BITCH’S Guide to Dating
www.amoursetter.com

AVOIDING FLAKY MEN

I sincerely wish I had been educated on recognizing flaky characters when I was a teenager. If I’d known what to look out for back then, I could have saved myself a great deal of heartache. Let’s take a look at some character qualities that should send up the red flag:
• A man who doesn’t make a lot of eye-contact (what is he hiding?)
• A man who is keen to get you into the sack, but isn’t keen to introduce you to his family and friends (he’s only into casual sex)
• A man who doesn’t have the decency to collect you from your front door or pick you up for dates (he doesn’t have any manners and he won’t suddenly adopt them any time soon)
• A man who expects you to pick up the tab (big warning bell should be going off in your head)
• A man who starts borrowing money from you (even bigger warning bell should be going off in your head, otherwise lend him the money and watch what happens, guaranteed he won’t pay it back!)
• A man who tells you lies (even small ones!)
• A man who stares at other women in your company, flirts with them or has the cheek to take someone else’s number while out with you (he’s a lout, get rid of him yesterday already!)
• A man who has shaky boundaries and who doesn’t respect yours (he will want enmeshment and will only suffocate you)
• A man who expects you to fight his battles for him or cover for him when he messes up (he has no balls, which means he’ll never be able to protect you)
• A man who drinks excessively or whose behavior changes when he consumes alcohol (watch out, alcoholic!!!)
• A man who seems to be hiding things from you or seems cagey when you question him about certain things (not to be trusted)
• A man who doesn’t appear to have strong family ties or doesn’t feel that family should be important (loose cannon only looking for casual sex, parties and a good time)
• A man who dislikes children (if you are thinking of having a family)
• A man who is overbearing or threatened by your strength, opinions or career (he will try to cut you down whenever he feels threatened)
• A man who discourages you from seeing your family or friends (insecure lout, run a mile!)
• A man who is threatened by your friendships or ex’s (insecure lout, keep running!)
• An unemployed man or a man with financial problems (he may end up expecting you to pay for everything)
• A man who cannot stand up for himself (he may expect you to fight his battles for him)
• A divorced man who doesn’t pay child-support to his ex or doesn’t see his children regularly (doh, need I say more???)
• An unhygienic man with bad breath or bad body odour (you’ll have mother him)
• A man who doesn’t return your calls but waits a week or two to call you back (you’re on his “good time only” list)
• A man who talks about himself and doesn’t bother to ask questions about you, your family or your interests (egotistical)
• A man who is threatened by your passions & ideals (he’ll try to suppress you)
• Any man you suspect of abusing any substances (run a mile)
• A recovering addict or alcoholic (they should avoid all forms of romantic relationships for at least the first year of their sobriety)
• A man who is too attached to his mother (you’ll be trying to cut the umbilical cord for the rest of the relationship!)
• A man who hates his mother (all his mommy issues will be targeted at you!)
Amour Setter
Author: The BITCH’S Guide to Dating
www.amoursetter.com

MAKING WISER PARTNER CHOICES

My greatest concern for the future of my gender is the fact that we are continually making bad partner choices. I look around me and see so many divorced mothers battling to get child-support from their ex’s. Yes there are rotten men out there who don’t give a damn about anyone else but themselves, but at what stage are we as a gender going to take responsibility for our own choices in life? When the fight for child-support starts taking up more than 50% of your focus and energy, you literally have very little energy left to enjoy your life or focus on things that really matter. The big question is: why do women keep making bad partner choices? I think the answer may very well lie in the sexual department. Allow me to explain.

In our grandparents day women were courted and paid the respect they deserved during the courtship. Men wooed their women and went all out to win them over. Women fell in love with men when they realized what their characters were made of and so tended to choose wisely. When they finally did tie the knot, the marriages of that day were built to last. Couples knew what true commitment meant. What sets those marriages apart from our marriages today is one simple thing: sex.

Women back then were courted by men without the complication of sex. Old values meant a great deal of women remained virgins until their marriages. With their hormones still intact, women were able to make wiser decisions about the men who wanted to marry them. And they were generally spoilt for choice in those days. Divorce was also quite taboo, as were having children out of wedlock. Society, therefore, protected women from being exploited by virtue of its strict moral codes. But today all of that has changed. As a result, the moral fabric of society is slowly unraveling into chaos & unhappiness resulting in scores of lonely, bitter women.

While I’m not the Virgin Mary by a long shot, and have obviously had my fair share of casual sex, short-lived relationships and unsuccessful marriages, I have come (through trial and error) to understand exactly why women (myself included) find ourselves in the predicament we are in! And at the risk of sounding like a nun, I honestly feel we can blame it all on sex. The minute we introduce sex into a union which has not developed into a loving and committed relationship, we are looking for trouble. At the risk of sounding like a stuck record (I blog about this quite regularly), I have to repeat that when women have sex with men too early in the relationship they lose the ability to be objective. Before sex a man will have the most interest in a woman, while after sex a woman will have the most interest in a man. It boils down to the hormone, Oxytocin, which means once a woman starts having sex she can no longer see the wood for the trees. She loses her objective view of the man, and becomes blinded to his faults. We all know how charming people can be in the beginning while they are dating. So therefore it makes sense to conclude that until you’ve been dating the person for at least 6 months, you don’t really know the person. The problem with our modern society is that women are having sex with their dates from the first date already, literally bonding themselves to these men without ever getting to know them properly. Before you know what’s happening you’re already in love, going all-out to make your man fall in love with you in return. You shower him with love, affection, attention and make him feel like the most important and most awesome guy on the planet. Sooner or later – if you’re not too careful – you will hear the pitter patter sound of little feet. But by then it’s far too late. What do you know about this guy? That he’s awesome in bed, makes a good living, drinks beer and watches soccer, has loads of friends, has a really sweet mom and a whacky brother? But what do you REALLY know about him? Do you know what his values are? Do you know what his character is really like? Do you know how he reacts under pressure? Do you know what his secrets are; his dreams, aspirations, fears? Do you know about his past? Most women literally fall into relationships so fast that backpedalling isn’t even an option, because often baby makes three. That’s when reality hits home hard. And that’s usually when it’s far, far too late.

You may marry the guy or cohabitate, and when the relationship is over he moves on and doesn’t look back. The Maintenance Court may become your second home but he has already found a replacement for you, while you fight and cry and tear your hair out because you are raising your child alone without his father or financial support. But let’s be honest. Whose fault is this? Ultimately it is your fault for choosing such a lout! If you had taken your time, held sex off as long as possible to give you a chance to get to know the guy properly, you might have realized he was a good-for-nothing loser and moved on. If you had stayed objective you would have seen the signs. Today, as I look back at the choices I made in partners and fathers for my children, I realized what an idiot I was. Actually, the signs were there right in the beginning but I ignored them. If you feel ready to settle down and start a family, or add to your existing family after a divorce, take your time, hold off on the sex for as long as possible and give yourself the opportunity to really get to know the guy properly before jumping his bones. While sex outside marriage may be socially acceptable nowadays, ultimately will it help you spot a decent, responsible man of integrity with strong family values and a willingness to raise his children in the most honorable way? If it blinds you to a man’s faults (and most times it will) then I highly recommend that you change your strategy and adopt new and more self-empowering beliefs about sex.

Amour Setter
Author: The BITCH’S Guide to Dating
www.amoursetter.com

CO-DEPENDENT NO MORE

A few years ago I found myself in such deep and excruciating emotional pain that I was forced to either change or kill myself, because I could no longer live inside my miserable life. After a deeply traumatic experience I was forced to take a hard and calculating look at myself in the mirror. My life had become totally unmanageable, filled with one bad experience after another, and one rotten man after another. Try as I might I just couldn’t seem to find a decent man. The more I tried to run from rotten men (and people), the more I found myself surrounded by them. Eventually the penny dropped. I realized that the fault must lie with me, because NOBODY could possibly have as much bad luck with men as I had had. I realized that if I did not take responsibility for the things I was creating and attracting into my life, my life would continue to be miserable. I had to grow up or ship out of the human race. To say that I was suicidal at that point would be a huge understatement, for I was a miserable piece of meat dragging itself around on its knuckles each and every day. Where other people might have drowned their sorrows and sought solace in drugs or the bottle, I flagellated myself with my pain, reveling in the guilt and remorse I felt for taking up space on the planet. It would have been impossible to have found anyone else on the planet who felt sorrier for themselves than I did. Guaranteed. When I literally ran out of people to blame for my woes, I knew I had to make some drastic changes. I began to realize that EVERYTHING that had happened “to me” had actually been invited by me. In other words, all the decisions I took and the actions that followed culminated in scenarios unfolding which were totally my own doing. From choosing three rotten husbands in a row (I mean, really!), a rotten business partner who threw me in an Arab jail in the middle of the desert when I wanted to leave our business partnership and several rotten friends who stabbed me in the back several times, I really had made some pretty lousy choices. But to say that I suffered bad luck would be taking the coward’s approach, for I don’t believe in good or bad luck. We make our own luck. When I realized I was completely responsible for my reality, I began to emerge from my dreamy state of angry denial.

The first thing I did was owned my part in all that was wrong with my life. For significant change to take place we have to take responsibility, instead of shifting blame. When I began to acknowledge that I had created all my bad situations, and that the other people were merely “dance partners” in my dramas, I began to see things in perspective. I began to see the difference between low vibrational emotions (depression and anxiety) and high vibrational emotions (happiness and serenity). I no longer wanted to feel depressed, and I no longer wanted to keep relying on anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medication to keep me from slitting my wrists. I figured everything in life was a choice, and I could choose to feel like crap or I could choose to feel like a million bucks. After reading some awesome motivational material from mentors like Jim Rohn, Anthony Robbins, Wayne Dyer and Abraham Hicks, I decided to take the plunge and instigate positive change in my life. What did I have to lose? I had already lost everything at that point in time. I was broke, homeless, unemployed and seriously considering suicide as a way out of my misery. I figured I was a lousy mother and that my son was actually better off without me in his life. But thank God for that pain and that low point in my life because I know I will NEVER go back there ever again. Throwing away my medication was scary. I had been relying on pills to keep me alive for about 7 years. Taking that bold step and convincing myself that I had the power to decide how I wanted to feel was one of the most courageous things I had ever done. I began focusing on positive things and staying in a positive and peaceful state of mind. Initially it was hard and there were days when I fell down and felt I would never get up again. But I did and I worked harder at owning my own life. I had a journal back then and probably spent 2 – 3 hours a day obsessively focusing on staying “up”, but it was better than medication and cheaper than a shrink and eventually it began to work. The more I trained myself to be positive, the easier it became. Within a few short months after starting my internal work, my life began to change for the better. Damaged people began to drop out of my life and I began to attract positive people. My finances steadily improved and I started realizing goals I thought I could never achieve. I looked back at my choices in marriage partners and saw my pattern. I was a confirmed Co-dependent which meant I was a Perfectionist, Control-Freak, Manipulator-Extraordinaire and Hater of anyone I couldn’t control. But I was also totally naïve in many ways (thanks to my immature approach to life). I began to examine my Co-dependency, looked at my control issues and realized that if I didn’t change I would continue having toxic relationships in my life. In the past addicts would hone in on me like flies on a piece of horse shit and I would find them charming, cute and oh-so-attractive in a twisted kind of way. Then I would go about rescuing them from themselves and take total control of their lives. It would give me a sense of power to know that I could manipulate the person in any way I chose. But of course I only saw this once I started working on changing myself, because at the time I thought I was the bees knees: kind, supportive and compassionate. Talk about seeing a Queen instead of an ogre starring back at you in the mirror. Urgh!

Today I am so grateful to say that addicts do not find me attractive in the least bit. In fact when they meet me they run like hell. I am no longer attracted to them, but can taste bile in the back of my throat and a shiver down my spine when I shake their hands. Thank God! Even sober addicts who have not done the work to change themselves run from me. Today I have healthy boundaries and know where I start and end and where someone else begins. There is no more enmeshment, which means I am able to make my own decisions based on what’s healthy and what my instincts tell me, not what someone else suggests to me based on their fears and insecurities. I have no more empty spaces that need filling by someone else with greater needs than my own. I’ve learned to fill them all myself and I’ve learned to love the person I’ve become. Every day I wake up with gratitude in my heart for the serenity I’ve earned. All my needs are taken care of and there is no reason for me to stress about anything in my life. Since my transformation in 2007 I had earnestly prayed for closure on an old relationship that had plagued me for seven years and recently I’ve found my closure. Now I can finally close that chapter of my life and move forward with more excitement than ever before.

No more can we blame others for our own woes in life. No more can we blame luck for our bad choices. We have to look at the ogre in the mirror and start to own those parts of ourselves that we have hidden in denial. When we take out the mirror instead of the magnifying glass, we can start to shift, mature and move forward to becoming all that we were ever meant to be. And so much more!

Amour Setter
Author: The BITCH’S Guide to Dating
www.amoursetter.com