Welcome back, everybody! Today’s installment in the “Buying 4 Equality” search focuses on the always dependable Entertainment Industry. But the Entertainment Industry is always liberal and focused on equality, right? HaHA! Let’s jump right into the madness:
I’m glad that the douchiest thing about me is that I use Axe Body Spray. That is, I used to use Axe. My conscience has finally gotten the better of me. I don’t want to turn into this meme–
To explain my usage of this is to come out about another dirty secret. I perspire a lot. I stink a lot. Even hours after a shower. While some people have a five o’clock shadow, I have a five o’clock stank cloud. Like all those women in tampon commercials before me, it leaves me feeling self-conscious, unconfident and unable to juggle my job and a baby. Well, not that last part. But I definitely start to hide in my belly button when I feel my underarms start to dampen ONE HOUR into my work day. And I’m dark-haired and furry, so the sweat doesn’t exactly roll off me like water off a duck’s back.
I usually have to take multiple showers a day. But I am not ashamed of this. Many great and sexy people over the years have had to take multiple showers to not turn into sweaty beastmen. People like Brad Pitt, Louis Armstrong and Helen Gurley Brown.
So to remedy this, and because I don’t have a million dollars to spend on cologne, I turned to the cheap Axe spray. In addition to my bathroom, I have emergency cans in my glove box, my messenger bag and gym bag. I’ve never not had to use them.
What I love and hate most about Axe is their ridiculous names for scents. Xtreme names like Viper! (I smell like a fucking poisonous snake, y’all) Instinct! (now I’m a lizard who can survive in the mothereffin’ Amazon, sucka) Kodiak! (take your hands of my child, cousin, I’m the last bear you’ll ever see) Howl! (oh, you thought all the animals I’d been before existed in nature? Guess again, and say hello to me, a holy hell werewolf, son)
I couldn’t take it anymore. In the CVS, my trembling hands reached for the can, but like Alex in “A Clockwork Orange” before me, my brain short-circuited, and I ended up in the fetal position on the carpet.
My eyes had been opened, and now all the douchiness of their product that I had previously, politely ignored now became as clear as a bell. Their ad campaigns where you used Axe, and were suddenly beset with bitches–
Yes, bitches be crazy. And absolutely no woman can resist Axe body spray…
Or slightly homo-phobic/erotic–
Hmm. Maybe I’ll give this “sweat” thing a day in court.
Or just plain ignorant to how bugnuts insane and scary their psychotic chocolate man is–
Leave me alone! I’m not playing anymore! Seriously, where are your eyelids?
So out of respect for my approaching 28th birthday and standing as a man possessing a modicum of intelligence and dignity, I am switching to unscented Right Guard spray. It doesn’t appeal to my love of scents, variety and punny names, but at least I can face the world. And now life is good again!
The Kate Winslet buoyed HBO miniseries “Mildred Pierce” just wrapped up it’s laborious five hours. She did her best, it had great production values (production designers! Is there any Hollywood workhorse that’s had more consistent results?), but in the end, the story did not justify it’s runtime. So, sadly, I don’t think I got much out of it…
WAIT A TICK! I did! It was the biggest display of pie porn since “Pushing Daisies”. Winslet makes her bones as a pie maker, and the masturbatory running time allowed for many (MANY!) pie baking scenes, set to 1920′s ragtime. Pie Porn made just for me.
Like “Julia & Julia,” don’t watch this movie hungry. Better yet, don’t watch this movie. Watch “Pushing Daisies”. But in the meantime, here are the five pies that have been present during the show about pies (and, apparently, some Mother-Daughter tension):
1) Maple Pecan Pie
Do you know this pie is made with two cups of maple syrup??
2) Deep-Dish Plum Pie
There’s no bottom crust, only top crust. (scared and confused now)
3) Raspberry Pear Tart
Made by Marcus, he decided to something we in the business call “improvising”, and threw some raspberry jam into the pie. Seems as though he had an “instinct” that it might “taste good”. Pff!
4) Key Lime Pie
Bought by Denny. The prospect of baking proved overwhelming for him, the poor lamb. Frankly, it was the best one.
5) Banana Cream Pie
The first pie I baked where it didn’t all fall apart, forcing me to sheepishly ladle into a bowl for my too-polite guests.
So what if millions of dollars went into this, and actors and writers poured their heart and soul into the story, and all I got out of it was pie porn? Less has been had out of greater projects.